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FIVE DAYS LATER
E N G L A N D
KENT
MORNING
The Parlour at Hillingham Estate
Mina types her diary
MINA MURRAY'S DIARY, 30th May: I know that Jonathan does not want me to stay here with Lucy while he is away. He's just
jealous that I'll be laughing and living it up with all the rich and pretty people. He thinks that if I get used to the
wealth and privileges of the Westenra family, I will not be content as the wife of a mere clerk in a law firm. But Lucy and
I have been "friends" since we were children and she has never minded that I'm only a school mistress.
She sneaks a peek at a drawing from Arabian Nights
MINA: Oooooh!
LUCY: Mina! Mina! Oh, Mina, you're always working. Working, working working. Is your little Jon Harker forcing you to
learn that ridiculous machine when he could be forcing you to perform unspeakable acts of desparate passion on the parlour
floor? With me?
MINA: Lucy, really! You shouldn't talk about my fiance in such a way. There's more to marriage than carnal pleasure,
to which you are most definitely not invited. I'm not sharing either of you with either of you, you tramp.
Mina stands up, knocking the book on the floor
LUCY: Oh, Mina, so I see--much, much more. Oh? Oh! That's...
Mina and Lucy page through the book
LUCY: Oh, Mina, I wondered where that book had got to. And you call me a tramp? Roundheels....Oh....Oh! Look at this....
MINA: Oooooh!
Mina and Lucy page through the book
MINA: Remember that, Lucy? We tried at that at Miss Mincer's School for Girls in Yorkshire.
LUCY: I did it again only last night.
MINA: Fibber, you did not. And why wasn't I there?
LUCY: Yes, I did. You weren't invited, that's why. So, Jonathan measures up, doesn't he? You can tell Lucy.
MINA: Yes, he measures up. We've kissed. That's all.
LUCY: That is not all!
MINA: Well....He thinks he's too poor to marry me, so we've had to be careful. You know. And it's worse now that I'm
visiting you at Hillingham, my rich, slutty, friend.
LUCY: Oh, really? Well....that's fair. But still not even one marriage proposal. Here I am, giving favours away like
they were going out of style, and I'm almost 20, practically a hag!
EARLY THAT EVENING
Lucy and Mina watch party guests arrive
BUTLER: Mr. Quincey P. Morris.
Enter Quincey P. Morris
MINA: Yummy. Who is that?
LUCY: A Texan...Quincey P. Morris. He's so young and fresh, like a wild stallion between my legs.
MINA: You're positively indecent!
LUCY: I just know what men desire. Watch.
Lucy approaches Morris
LUCY: Quincey, darling. Bubbeleh.
MORRIS: Miss Lucy. Why you're as fresh as the spring rain, and twice as tasty.
LUCY: Oh, thank you. (She runs her hands over Morris) Oh, Quincey, please let me touch it. It's so big!
Lucy winks at Mina and pulls out Morris's Bowie knife
MORRIS: Little girl. Oh, my dear sweet little girl. I hold your hand and you've kissed me....there.....
BUTLER: Dr. Jack Seward.
Enter Dr. Jack Seward
Lucy runs to Seward
LUCY: Jack! Kiss-kiss! Monkey bear!
Seward trips over a bearskin rug
LUCY: Oh, Jack, my darling! Oh, poor little baby. Come over here. Come over here and I'll kiss it better. My poor little
blossom. My poor little doctor. Really, doctor. What a naughty bear. Let me feel...you....
BUTLER: Arthur Holmwood, Esquire.
Enter Lord Arthur Holmwood
Lucy runs to Holmwood
LUCY: Arthur! Oh, my darling. Oh, you look wonderful. Like my dress? It's my snake dress. Get it?
Seward and Morris greet each other
and sit side-by-side on a couch
SEWARD: Dude.
MORRIS: Dude.
Seward stands up and hands Morris his squashed hat
SEWARD: Sorry dude.
MINA MURRAY'S DIARY: Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl - yeah, right! - but I admit that her free way of speaking shocks
me sometimes (hee!). Jonathan says it's a defect of the aristocracy that they say what they please, I mean, besides all the
inbreeding. The truth is that I admire Lucy, and I'm not surprised that men flock around her. Even if she doesn't invite
me to her little tete a tetes. I wish I had as many beaux.
Enter Dracula's shadow
LONDON
LATER THAT EVENING
Carfax District Lunatic Asylum
DR. SEWARD'S DIARY ON PHOTOGRAPH CYLINDER, 30th May: What manner of dude is this? R. M. Renfield, successful solicitor in
the firm of Hawkins and Thompkins, respected member of the Lord Nugent's Wyndham Club and Spanking Circle. Returns from business
abroad in Transylvania. Promptly suffers a complete mental breakdown. He's now obsessed with some bloodlust. I'm sure he
has issues.
Seward enters Renfield's cell
SEWARD: George, hang on a moment.
Renfield holds out a plate of grubs, flies, ants, beetles and
wireworms
RENFIELD: Would you care for an hors d'oeuvre, Dr. Seward, or a canape?
SEWARD: No, gross. How are you feeling tonight?
RENFIELD: Far better than you, my lovesick doctor.
SEWARD: I have no idea what you're saying right now. Anyway, how is it your business?
RENFIELD: All life interests me, dude.
SEWARD: That's besides the point. I find your diet disturbing.
RENFIELD: Actually, it's perfectly nutritious. You see, each life that I ingest gives life to me. Yum.
SEWARD: The fly gives you life? Ew. Wouldn't you rather have a juicy steak?
RENFIELD: Certainly. (Renfield turns away from Seward) But you won't let me have a knife, and I can't eat a steak without
the proper implements. And then you'd want me to eat it cooked, and that wold just be wrong.
SEWARD: I shall have to invent a new classification of the lunatic for you. What about spiders? Spiders eat the flies.
RENFIELD: Yes, spiders eat them. Yum!
SEWARD: Ew. What about sparrows?
RENFIELD: Oh, yes. Did you say sparrows? (He licks his lips and pants.)
SEWARD: Something larger perhaps?
RENFIELD: Oh, yes, a bunny, I beg you, a little, sleek...a playful bunny...something I can teach, something I can feed.
No one would refuse me a bunny.
SEWARD: Wouldn't you prefer a stoat?
RENFIELD: Oh, yes, a big stoat! My salvation depends upon it!
SEWARD: Your salvation?
RENFIELD: I need lives. I need lives for the Master, dude.
SEWARD: What Master? Doesn't sound very cool.
RENFIELD: The Master will come, and he has promised to make me immortal, and cool.
SEWARD: How? You, sir, will never be cool.
Renfield suddenly attacks Dr. Seward
Guards rush in to subdue Renfield
RENFIELD: I will so! I will be cool! The blood is the life is the coolness! Dude! Master! Dude!
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