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SEVERAL DAYS LATER
T R A N S Y L V A N I A
MIDDAY
On a Train
Harker writes in his journal
JONATHAN HARKER'S JOURNAL, 25th May, Buda-Pesth: Left
Buda-Pesth before the crack of dawn. It felt like I was leaving civilization for the hinterlands of Europe. I was!
I'm heading for the extreme east, to a used handkerchief of a land tucked in between three countries - Transylvania, Moldavia,
and Bukovina (famed in myth and legend), in the dead center of the Carpathians. The travel guide says it's one of the wildest
and most uncontrolled sections of Europe. And they don't even have Communists, yet!
He opens and reads a letter
LETTER FROM COUNT DRACULA TO JONATHAN HARKER: My friend. And I know you are my friend, even though I haven't met you yet.
You could be rude and obnoxious, but I trust that Ms. Hawkins wouldn't do that to someone as important, and cool, as myself.
Welcome to Carpathia. I am expecting you, because I had a letter from Renfield saying he was indisposed and had committed
my commission to your own cool self. At the Borgo Pass, my carriage will await you and bring you to me. You'll love the
drive, it's simply marvellous. I trust your journey from London has been a happy one and that you will enjoy your stay in
my beautiful land. If you feel the need to throw up while you're riding in my carriage, please aim it outside, I've just
had it reupholstered.
Your friend, Dude.
MINA MURRAY'S DIARY, 25th May: My love-god Jonathan has been gone
almost a week and, although I was disappointed we could not get it on, I mean, marry before his departure, I am happy
that he got sent on this
important assignment. I am longing to hear all the news, but I hope he doesn't start up his bad habit of name-dropping
again. I know far more rich and hip people than he does. It must be so nice to see strange countries. I wonder if we, I
mean Jonathan and I, shall ever see them together? The sun-drenched beaches of the French Riviera, the statues of Greece....oh....my.....
NIGHTFALL
Borgo Pass
Jonathan Harker disembarks from a coach
HARKER: We're early, driver. No one is here.
A fellow passenger hands Harker a crucifix
GIRL (translation): For the dead dude travels fast.
The passenger coach speeds away as Dracula's coach approaches, as the remaining passengers sort through the stuff they've
stolen from Harker's luggage
The footman from Dracula's carriage picks up Harker and carries him like a baby, and tucks him inside
The coach speeds away, followed by wolves
HARKER: Yo, is the castle far?
COACHDRIVER: (grunts)
The coach speeds up a narrow crag toward Dracula's castle
The footman points out sights of interest
The coach passes through a circle of blue fire, and the horses morph into skeletons
Harker disembarks in the courtyard
As Harker approaches the castle doors, they swing open, knocking him to the ground
An old man bearing a lantern enters the chamber
DRACULA: Hey, how's it goin'? Come in, take off your coat, and stay a while.
HARKER: Count Dracula?
DRACULA: I am Dracula, dude. Mr. Harker, I presume? Welcome to my
castle, it's cosy, yet extremely large. Come in.
Harker steps over the threshhold
Dracula leads him into the dining room
DRACULA: Eat! Eat! Put some, ah, meat on your bones....Pardon me for not joining you, but....I have already had a snack
and I simply don't drink....wine. You understand.
Harker begins to eat ravenously, gulping down the wine and splashing it all over the table and Dracula, who is hovering very
close by
Harker gestures at a portrait on the wall
HARKER: Your old man? I see the resemblance.
DRACULA: No, actually. A founding member of The Order of the Dracul...the Dragon...an ancient society pledging my forefathers
to defend the church against all heretics. That relationship did not work out as intended.
HARKER (slightly snickering): Huh.
Dracula angrily grabs a fork, swings it overhead and points the tines at Harker
DRACULA: Don't you laugh! We Draculs have a right to be proud, man. I'm a descendent of Atilla the Hun, persecutor of witches
and demons. But that's history, as you will be if you don't have a care. I am the last of my line, and I don't have to take
crap from a young pup such as yourself.
HARKER: I have offended you with my ignorance, Count, dude. Sorry, man.
DRACULA: That's right, and I'm a count, and don't you forget it.
HARKER: I said I was sorry! I'm sorry!
DRACULA: Well, you should be.
HARKER: Sorry.
DRACULA: Good.
LATER
The Library at Castle Dracula
Dracula affixes his seal to the deed of purchase
DRACULA: I really want to see the crowded streets of your
London, that'd be so cool. With all those people, walkin' around, like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Of life, I mean.
Of course. I want to be right in the middle of the teeming masses, partaking of the smells, sights, sounds, tastes....mmmm....tastes.....
Harker witnesses the signing of the deed, signing it below Dracula's mark
HARKER: There ya go. You, dude, sir, are now the owner of Carfax Abbey in Purfleet. Congratulations, it'll make you a great
little hideaway from the world.
DRACULA: I've heard a lot of your abilities, Mr. Harker. Your firm says you are the epitome of coolness and that you're
more than qualified to take over from Mr. Renfield. He really wasn't that cool, truth be known.
HARKER: You count on me, Count. I hate to be nosy, but why ten houses all over London? I mean, you can't live in all
of them. Cornering the market, are we? Heh.
Dracula picks up Harker's photograph of Mina, sniffing the frame and licking the glass
DRACULA: Hey, Harker, do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be ordered to a single purpose? The luckiest
man who
walks on this earth is the one who finds true love. Or good sex.
HARKER: You found Mina; um...please stop licking it. Thank you. I thought she was lost. We're to be married as soon
as I return. Gotta buy the cow, you know how it goes. Married, yourself, Count?
DRACULA: (whistling to himself)
HARKER: Dude, are you married?
Sound of crickets
DRACULA: Oh! What? Uh, yes, I was married once...a very long time ago. She....isn't with me anymore.
HARKER: Aw, too bad, man.
DRACULA: Perhaps it's for the best. My life now, is a bit of a mystery. Anyway, this Mina will no doubt make as devoted
a wife as you will a faithful husband. Right? Right?
HARKER: Right.
DRACULA: Come, write now, my fresh, new friend, to your firm and to your Mina and say that you have been invited to stay
with me for a month or so. Tell them I offer you my hospitality and really good times.
HARKER: A month? But won't I get bored?
DRACULA: I will take no refusal. Like I said, really good times.
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