T R A N S Y L V A N I A



Prologue

Castle Dracula

The Year: 1462 A.D.

IT WAS CONSTANTINOPLE. THEN IT WAS ISTANBUL. BUT IT WAS CONSTANTINOPLE. BUT THEN IT WAS ISTANBUL. TURKS SWEPT INTO EUROPE WITH A VAST, SUPERIOR FORCE, RENAMING CITIES, PRACTICING THEIR RELIGION, THREATENING ALL OF CHRISTENDOM. FROM TRANSYLVANIA AROSE A ROMANIAN KNIGHT, OF THE SACRED ORDER OF THE DRAGON, DUDE, KNOWN AS DRACULEA. ON THE EVE OF THE BATTLE, HIS BRIDE ELISABETA WHOM HE PRIZED ABOVE ALL THINGS ON EARTH, EVEN HIS COOLNESS, KNEW THAT HE MUST FACE AN INSURMOUNTABLE FORCE FROM WHICH HE MIGHT NEVER RETURN AS COOL AS HE WAS BEFORE.

Medieval Romanian Battlefield

Draculea kisses a crucifix

DRACULEA (translation): Dude! I won! Yo, wow, dude! (Elisabeta's face comes into his mind) Elisabeta!



THE VENGEFUL TURKS SHOT AN ARROW INTO THE CASTLE CARRYING THE FALSE NEWS OF DRACULEA'S COMPLETE LACK OF COOL, AND A BOX OF TURKISH DELIGHT. ELISABETA, BELIEVING HIM NO LONGER COOL, FLUNG HERSELF INTO THE RIVER, CHOKING ON A PIECE OF TURKISH DELIGHT.

Draculea returns to the castle

Elisabeta lies dead on the chapel floor

SUICIDE NOTE FROM ELISABETA (translation): My prince is cool no more. All is lost without coolness. May God unite us in heaven, once his coolness is restored.



BISHOP (translation): She has taken her own life. That is so not cool. She is damned in the eyes of God, the Ultimate Dude. See the Turkish Delight of her sin!



DRACULEA (translation): Nooo! Is this my reward for defending my cool? And the Church?



BISHOP (translation): Not cool!



DRACULEA (translation): I renounce God - he's not cool! I shall rise from my own death to avenge hers with all the powers of darkness, and I will be much cooler than God!

Draculea throws a stiletto at the altar cross

Blood pours from the cross, from the eyes of statues,

and from candle flames

Draculea (translation): Yesss! Hole in one! Whooo!

Draculea fills his helmet with the blood and drinks it