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LONDON
THE NEXT EVENING
In a restaurant
Van Helsing, Mina and Harker dine together on roast beef
HELSING: Eat. Feast. You need your strength for the dark days ahead, Mina.
MINA: Doctor?
HELSING: Ja?
MINA: How did Lucy die? Was she in great pain? Did she leave her clothes to me?
HELSING: Ja, she was in great pain. Then we cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart and burned it and then
she found peace. We also got rid of that god-awful wedding gown.
MINA: Oh, man.
HARKER: Doctor! Please!
HELSING: So, Mr. Harker, I must now ask you as your doctor a
sensitive question. During your infidelity with those creatures, those demonic women, what was it like? I mean, did
you for one instant taste of their blood?
HARKER: No.
HELSING: No?
HARKER: No.
HELSING: Good! Then you have not infected your blood with the terrible disease that destroyed poor Lucy. You should've
seen that dress.
MINA: Doctor!
Mina leans over and kisses Harker
HARKER: Doctor, you must understand. I doubted everything, even my mind. I was impotent with fear.
MINA: (gasps)
HELSING: I know.
HARKER: But, sir, I know where the bastard sleeps. I brought him there to Carfax Abbey.
HELSING: Vampires do exist, and this one we fight, this one we face, has the strength of 20 or more people, and you can
testify to that, Mr. Harker.
SUNDOWN
Carfax Abbey
Van Helsing, Holmwood, Morris, Harker, Seward and dogs
prepare to enter
HELSING: ...But he can also control the meaner things of life--the bat, the rodent, the wolf. He can appear as mist, as
vapor, as fog, and vanish at will. Is that cool? I think not! Now, all these things Dracula can do but he is not free.
He must rest in the sacred dirt of his homeland to regain his evil power, and sense of style, and it is here that you must
find him and destroy him utterly. Jack...
MINA: I almost feel pity for anything so hunted as this count.
HARKER: How can you pity such a creature?
SEWARD: I'l take Mina to my quarters. You'll be safer there.
HELSING: Mr. Morris, your bullets will not harm him. He must be beheaded. I suggest you use your big Bowie knife.
MORRIS: Well, I wasn't planning on getting that close, doc.
Renfield watches from his cell window
as the men enter Carfax Abbey
RENFIELD: Master! Dude! Master! Dude! Master! Dude! Dude-Master?
Seward and Mina enter Carfax Asylum
RENFIELD: Dr. Jack, I've been promised eternal life and coolness!
MINA: Dr. Seward, who is that man?
SEWARD: Mr. Renfield. This is no place for you, Madam Mina.
MINA: Renfield. I must see him. He's kind of cool.
SEWARD: Mr. Renfield, behave yourself. This is Mrs. Harker.
RENFIELD: Good evening.
MINA: Good evening, Mr. Renfield.
RENFIELD: It seems that I've been rather naughty. I know you. You're the bride my Master covets. I don't think you're
that cool.
MINA: Well! I have a husband. I am Mrs. Harker.
RENFIELD: My Master tells me about you.
MINA: What does he tell you?
RENFIELD: That he's coming, that he's coming for you. Oh, please, don't stay here. Get away from these men. Please.
I pray to God I may never see your sweet face again. May the Lord bless you and keep you.
Exit Mina
RENFIELD: Master! Master, you promised ME eternal life but you give it to the pretty woman! That's so uncool! Doctor Jack.
I'm no lunatic man. Dude! I'm a sane man fighting for his soul.
Seward opens the door to his quarters
He and Mina enter
SEWARD: My quarters are spare but I think you will find them comfortable. Water and toiletries at your disposal. The morphine
is on the bedside table. You'll be completely safe here.
MEANWHILE
In Carfax Abbey
HELSING: Destroy every box. Sterilize the earth inside. Leave him no refuge. Let the exorcism begin. Hah! I'll show
him cool!
They break open the boxes
Exit Dracula in the form of a bat
MOMENTS LATER
Renfield's Cell at Carfax Asylum
Enter Dracula in the form of lime green mist for some reason
DRACULA: Renfield, you have betrayed me. Not. Cool!
RENFIELD: No. No, Master. Dude! No, I serve you. I serve only you. Duder?
Dracula kills Renfield
MOMENTS LATER
Seward's Quarters at Carfax Asylum
Enter Dracula as an inexplicably lime green mist
He crawls under the bedcovers
Mina awakens
MINA: Yes, my love, you found me.
DRACULA: My most precious life.
MINA: I've wanted this to happen. I know that now. I want to be with you always.
DRACULA: You cannot know what you are saying.
MINA: Yes, I do. I feared I would never feel your touch again. I thought you were dead.
DRACULA: There is no life in this body.
MINA: But you live! You live! What are you? I must know! You must tell me!
DRACULA: I am nothing, lifeless, soulless, hated and feared. But still cool. I am dead to all the world...hear me!
I am the monster the breathing men would kill. I am Dracula. King of Fashion.
MINA: I want you. I want you bad.
DRACULA: Of course you do.
Mina beats at Dracula
MINA: No! You murdered Lucy! (She collapses in his arms) I love you. Oh, God forgive me, I do. I want to be what you
are, see what you see, love what you love. I want to be cool, like you!
DRACULA: Mina, to walk with me, you must die to your breathing life and be reborn to mine. Only then will you be totally
cool.
MINA: You are my love and my life always. I want you!
DRACULA: Then I give you life eternal, everlasting love, the power over the storm and the beasts of the earth. Walk
with me to be my loving wife forever.
MINA: I will. Yes, yes.
DRACULA: I want you.
MINA: I want you more!
DRACULA: I want you.
MINA: I want you more!
DRACULA: I want you.
MINA: I want you more!
DRACULA: No, I want you more!
MINA: No, I want you more!
DRACULA: No, I want you more!
MINA: No, I want you more!
DRACULA: No, I want you more!
MINA: No, I want you more!
Dracula drinks from Mina
He opens a vein in his chest
DRACULA: Mina! Mina, drink and join me in an eternal life of utter coolness!
Mina drinks
Dracula suddenly pushes Mina away
DRACULA: No, I cannot let this be.
MINA: Please, I don't care. Make me yours, dude!
DRACULA: You'll be cursed as I am and walk through the shadow of death for all eternity. I love you too much to condemn
you.
MINA: Then take me away from all this uncoolness!
Mina continues to drink
The door bursts open
Enter Harker, Van Helsing, Morris, Holmwood and Seward
HARKER: Mina!
MINA: What?
HARKER: I can't leave you alone for two minutes, can I?
MINA: What?
HARKER: You're such a slut!
MINA: Am not!
HARKER: Are too!
VAN HELSING: Shut up, both of you!
Van Helsing holds up a crucifix and begins an exorcism
The crucifix catches fire and he drops it
DRACULA (in the form of a bat): You think you can destroy me with your untrendy idols, I who served the cross, I who commanded
nations hundreds of years before you. I who am cool!
HELSING: Your armies were defeated. You tortured and impaled thousands of people! There is no way that is cool!
DRACULA: I was betrayed. Look what your God has done to me! I have verged on uncoolness, but never again!
HELSING: No, your war with God is over. You must pay for your crimes. There will be no more cool for you!
Van Helsing sprinkles Dracula with holy water
and continues the exorcism
HELSING: Christ compels you!
DRACULA: She is now mine! Together we will rule fashion! RULE fashion!
HELSING: No!
Harker attempts to shoot Dracula but Mina grabs his arm
MINA: No!
Harker's shot hits Dracula in the chest
Dracula backs into a dark corner
HELSING: Lights, all lights!
Dracula transposes into hundreds of rats
which scurry across the floor
MINA: Uncool! Uncool!
HELSING: Get them. Get them. They must be found!
MINA: Uncool!
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