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On a boat crossing the English Channel
Mina throws mementos into the ocean
MINA (to herself): It's odd but I feel almost that my strange friend is with me. He speaks to me in my thoughts. With him,
I felt more alive than ever I had, and much more fashionable and definitely cooler. And now, without him, soon to be a bride,
I feel confused and lost. And uncool. Perhaps, though I try to be good, I am bad. Perhaps I am a bad, bad person. Oh well.
LONDON
MEANWHILE
In the restaurant
DRACULA (crying): Uncool! Ungrateful little biddy! Winds! Winds! Vengeance! Excelsior!
Van Helsing's Study
Winds blow out the candles
HELSING: It is the cause. It is the cause, my soul. It is Dracula, the undead, the foe I have pursued all my life. He
is not nearly as cool as he thinks he is, oh no, he's not!
Helsing rushes to Hillingham Estate
HELSING: Dracula! Jack, hurry, I have much to tell you.
Quincey Morris comes out the front door
HELSING: Guard her well, Mr. Morris. Do not fail here tonight. We are giving the forces beyond all human experience an
enormous power. So guard her well, otherwise your precious Lucy will become a b*tch of the devil, a whore of darkness. And
why don't you see if you can't get rid of that dress?
MORRIS: Well you're a sick old buzzard!
HELSING: Hear me out, young man. Lucy is not a random victim attacked by mere accident, do you understand? No, she
is the willing recruit, a breathless follower, a wanton follower, I dare say, a devoted disciple and the devil's concubine,
do you understand me? Yet we may still save her precious soul but not on an empty stomach. Jack?
SEWARD (from a carriage): Yes, sir.
HELSING: I starve. Feed me. Feed me, Seward!
MORRIS: You old coot! I like that dress!
Van Helsing and Seward ride off in a carriage
THAT NIGHT
R O M A N I A / E N G L A N D
A Church in Romania/Lucy's Bedroom at Hillingham
Mina and Harker stand before the altar
Dracula stands before the patio doors to Lucy's bedroom
DRACULA: Your impotent men with their foolish spells and lack of fashion sense cannot protect you from my power. I condemn
you to living death, to eternal hunger for living blood!
Mina and Harker drink wine in marriage
Dracula drinks Lucy's blood in marriage
THE NEXT DAY
The Parlour at Hillingham Estate
Lucy lies in state
Relatives, friends, servants, Holmwood, Morris and Seward attend
Enter Van Helsing
HELSING: Psst, Jack. Jack, I know how deeply you loved her. That is why you must trust me and believe.
SEWARD: Believe, how can I believe?
HELSING: I want you to bring me before nightfall a set of postmortem knives.
SEWARD: To autopsy Lucy?
HELSING: No, no, not exactly. I just want to cut off her head and take out her heart. And destroy that hideous dress,
if I possibly can. Don't tell Quincey that.
Seward stomps off in disgust
HELSING: Jack?
LONDON
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
MINA MURRAY'S DIARY, 17th September: Poor Jonathan, still so ill and poorly dressed. He is cheered by the familiar streets
of London. For me, now that Lucy is dead, it is a sad homecoming. It's as if a part of me is dead, too, except for the tiny
hope that lives in me that I will again see my Prince. Is he here? Now that I am married, I begin to understand the nature
of my feelings for my strange friend who is always in my thoughts. Oh....yes.....
Mina and Harker enter a carriage
Harker stares out the window
MINA: Jonathan, what is it?
HARKER: It is the man himself! There, look! He's grown young!
MINA: Don't stare, it's rude.
HARKER: Hah! Well-dressed, my left foot!
Harker points to Dracula
but the carriage drives off before Mina can see him
KENT
LATE AT NIGHT
Lucy's Tomb
Enter Van Helsing, Morris, Holmwood and Seward
HOLMWOOD: Gentlemen, must we desecrate poor Lucy's grave? She died horribly enough. They buried her in that dress, you
know.
HELSING: If Miss Lucy is dead, no wrong can be done to her. But if she's not dead, well...And I must destroy that dress!
HOLMWOOD: What are you saying, man? That she's been buried alive? I agree about the dress, though.
HELSING: No. All I say is that she is undead. Undead and wearing that hideous thing!
HOLMWOOD: Undead? Oh, this is insane. The dress can't have done that to her!
They hammer off the locks
HELSING: Gentlemen, shall we? 1..2...3!
They push the lid off the coffin
It is empty
HOLMWOOD: Where is she? Where is she! What have you done with her?
HELSING: She lives beyond the grace of God, a wanderer in the outer darkness. She is vampyre, Nosferatu - and, no matter
what you may think, that isn't cool! These creatures do not die like the bee after the first sting but instead grow strong
and become immortal once infected by another Nosferatu. So, my friends, we fight not one beast but legions that go on age
after age after age, feeding on the blood of the living. And dressing really badly.
Suddenly there is noise outside the tomb
They hear a child crying
HELSING: Quickly, hide! Hide, now!
Enter Lucy, carrying a toddler
HELSING: Lucy! Lucy!
Lucy sees Holmwood
LUCY: Come to me, Arthur. Leave these others and come to me. I am so hungry for you, my darling. Kiss me and caress me,
my darling husband, please! I need it, I need it bad!
Van Helsing holds up a crucifix
Lucy recoils
HELSING: We're strong in the Lord and in the power of His might! We're strong and tastefully dressed! We're strong in the
Lord and in the power of His might! We're strong and tastefully dressed! Our God is upon us. We're strong in the Lord and
in the power of His might! We're strong and tastefully dressed! We're strong in the Lord and in the power of His might!
Lucy backs into her coffin
HELSING: We're strong in the Lord and in the power of His
might! We're tastefully dressed! Ex umbre se lucia.
Lucy belches up a stream of blood
HELSING: I bring you from shadow into light. I cast you out, the Prince of Darkness, into hell. (He hands stake to Holmwood)
A moment's courage and it is done. Be cool! Take the stake in your left hand, place the point on the heart, and in God's
name strike. Do it now!
Holmwood drives stake through Lucy's heart
Van Helsing cuts off her head
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