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"No More Chick Pit For You!"

Page 7

KENT
LATER THAT NIGHT
The Front Gate at Hillingham Estate
Dracula's carriage drives up
Mina exits carriage and reluctantly enters the gates

TELEGRAM FROM JACK SEWARD TO ABRAHAM VAN HELSING: ....do not lose an hour. A dear "friend" near death. A disease of the blood unknown to all medical theory. I am in desparate need. Jack Seward.

LONDON
THE NEXT DAY
A classroom at a Medical College
Dr. Abraham Van Helsing displays a vampire bat to medical
students

HELSING: The vampire bat must consume 10 times its own weight in fresh blood each day or its own blood cells will die. Cute little vermin, Ja? Blood and the diseases of the blood such as syphillis will concern us here. The very name 'venereal diseases,’ the 'diseases of Venus,’ imputes to them divine origin. They are involved in that sex problem about which the ethics and ideals of Christian civilization are concerned. In fact, civilization and syphillization have advanced together.

Enter Assistant
He hands an envelope to Van Helsing

HELSING: What is this?

ASSISTANT: It's a telegram, Professor. Signals go out over electrical wires, in a form known as Morse Code.

HELSING: I knew that, you dumkopf! I mean, who iz it from? Why are you interrupting me? When are you leafing?

ASSISTANT: Oh.

Van Helsing reads the telegram

HELSING: Hmm, thank you. Gentlemen, thank you, that will be
all. Get out. Now!

MEANWHILE
T R A N S Y L V A N I A
Castle Dracula

JONATHAN HARKER'S JOURNAL: Dawn. These may be the last words I write in this journal. Dracula has left me with his "brides," these devils of the pit. They drain my blood to keep me weak, barely alive so I cannot escape. They make me question my love for Mina, my sexuality, my very being! I will try one last time today to escape to the water. There must be passageway to the river and then away from this cursed land where the devil and his children still walk with earthly feet. Even if they do dress well, they make me feel.....icky.

E N G L A N D

KENT
THAT EVENING
Hillingham Estate
Dracula arrives at the patio doors to Lucy's bedroom
Van Helsing arrives at the front door

FROM VAN HELSING'S NOTES: For the record, I do attest that at this point I Abraham Van Helsing became personally involved with these strange events.

In the foyer
Van Helsing is greeted by Jack Seward

SEWARD: Professor Van Helsing, dude, how good of you to come!

HELSING: I always come to my friends in need when they call me. I am just that nosy. So, Jack, tell me everything about your case.

SEWARD: She has all the usual physical anemic signs. Plus, a complete loss of the ability to tell when a dress is hideous.

HELSING: Ja.

SEWARD: Her blood analyzes normal and yet it is not. She manifests continued blood loss but I cannot trace the cause.

HELSING: Blood loss? How?

LUCY: (Screams)

Van Helsing and Seward run to Lucy's bedroom
Exit Dracula's shadow

HELSING: My God, close the door. Nobody should have to see this dress that hasn't already.

Seward closes the patio doors
Helsing examines Lucy

HELSING: My God, she's only a girl. A lucious, well-developed, girl....(He notices bites on neck) Ja, my God. There's no time to be lost. There must be a transfusion at once. Take off your coat. You remember how to tie a tourniquette, don't you, or have you forgotten?

SEWARD: You've perfected a procedure?

HELSING: Perfected, no. I've only experimented. Animals, goats, sheeps. If hemolysis occurs in the blood or the serum, her red blood cells will explode. She will die. Here, take this tube. Use the dress to catch any spill-over.

Arthur Holmwood bursts through the bedroom door

HOLMWOOD: What in God's name is going on up here? Oh my god! You've seen the dress!

SEWARD: This is Professor Van Helsing, Art.

HOLMWOOD: Well, what the hell is he doing to Lucy?

SEWARD: He's trying to save her life.

HOLMWOOD: Good God. Do his hands really need to be....there?

HELSING: You're the fiance? Please, please, take off your coat. This young lady is very ill, she's dying, she wants blood, and blood she must have. Take off your coat.

SEWARD: Roll up your sleeve, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Oh, God.

HELSING: Roll it up!

SEWARD: This may hurt a little, Art.

Seward inserts a needle into a vein in Holmwood's arm

HOLMWOOD: OW! Mmmm....morphine.....

SEWARD: No, not this time. Do pay attention.

HOLMWOOD: Forgive me, sir. My life is hers. I would give my last drop of blood to save her.

HELSING: Your last drop? Thank you, you are very welcomed here. I do not ask as much as that--not yet.

SEWARD: Hold her hand.

Seward inserts needle into a vein in Lucy's arm

LATER THAT EVENING
In the garden
Enter Seward, Holmwood and Morris

HOLMWOOD: But Jack, that poor creature has had the blood of two men put into her already. And we still didn't manage to destroy that dress!

MORRIS: Man alive, her whole body couldn't hold that much blood. What took it out?

Enter Van Helsing

HELSING: That's a good question, Mr. Morris.

SEWARD: Those marks on her throat. No disease, no trituration, I'm sure the blood loss occurred there. Did we check for pins in the dress? It looked as though it would have pins.

HELSING: Oh? Where did the blood go? You were once a careful student, Jack. Use your brain. Where did the blood go, tell me.

SEWARD: The bed clothes would be covered in blood. Not to mention her, uh, her gown.

HOLMWOOD: If only.

HELSING: Exactly. You do not let your eyes see nor your ears hear that which you cannot account for.

SEWARD: Something just went up there, sucked it out of her, and flew away, I suppose?

HELSING: Ja, why not?

ARTHUR: That's brilliant. That's absolutely brilliant. Will one of you learned doctors, or whatever you are, kindly tell me what is going on with my Lucy? I mean, she expects to wear that gown when we get married!

HELSING: Jack, you are a scientist. You do not think that there are things in this universe which you cannot understand and which are true--mesmerism, hypnotism...

SEWARD (turning away): You and Charcot have proved hypnotism!

HELSING (his voice fading):...telekinesis...materialization...astral bodies...fashion design....

SEWARD: Professor?

HOLMWOOD: Where the hell did he go?

HELSING: See?

SEWARD: I feel like a blundering novice.

HELSING: You are a blundering novice.

MORRIS: Hah!

HELSING: Gentlemen, we're not fighting some disease here. Those marks on your dear Miss Lucy's neck were made by something unspeakable out there, dead but not dead. It stalks us for some dread purpose I do not yet comprehend. To live, it feeds on Lucy's precious blood. It is a beast, a monster. And, although it is cooler than anything you have ever seen, it is evil! Evil!

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It's not that I don't love this movie, but it's just soooo easy....

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